Breathe in Breathe out Repeat
by AmazingMeg
Summary: Screaming sweetly. Breaking chains. Fighting yourself and everyone around you. The desperate struggle for life. 1 word? Finn. Rated T for language (Rae x Finn)
1. Chapter 1

_**"Do you wanna know the only thing that gives me hope?! Cus It isn't the fact that I was betrayed by one of my closest friends ever! It isn't the school's shittest anti bullying policy! It's my friends. My friends keep me going. And Finn. The thought that Finn feels about me the way I feel about him gives me hope. Because I love him. thats what keeps me going."**_

Me and Finn had been dating for almost 7 months. Seven months?! Even though I had whirlwinds of shit he managed to stick by me through it all, and I fucking loved him for it. None of us had spoken to Archie since the 'magic fanny" incident and he had even started calling me a slag. His friends continued to call me names but I ignored it best I could and as far as I was concerned he was no longer part of the group. One lunch I was sat on the cool grass in the hot summer afternoon with my friends. The chatter made me smile as I moved to Finn and pressed my lips to his. "What was that for?" He grinned at me, the smile reaching his eyes and making them sparkle. I shrugged. "Just for being you." "Well in that case.." He said and wrapped his arms around me. He pulled me on top of him as we both hit the ground, his lips on mine as we heard Izzy exclaim how adorable we were behind us. It was things like that that brought music to my ears. From behind us, however, we heard Archie's friends beginning to shout names at us. "Rae and her magic fanny!" One of them shouted. "Yeah... Must be real fucking magic!" Another yelled. Their words hurt but what hurt most of all was the look on Archie's face. He grinned and laughed at their name calling and even added some input. "Yeah haha... Must be." Granted, it was quiet but it still jammed into my heart, the theoretical blood spilling across the floor. At this, Finn exploded. He jumped up from the floor and flung his leather jacket on the ground. "Finn... No, don't." I reached out to grab his hand and stop him, but he was too fast. He walked right up to Archie and smacked his fist around this face. The crunch of Finn's hand colliding with his face rung in our ears as more of Archie's friends grabbed Finn; but he was too fast for them. He flung them off, hitting two of them and turning to Archie again. "It isn't nice taking the piss out of a girl is it?!" He grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and dragged him to his feet. "Especially not my girl! You get it?! I thought you were my fucking friend, Arch!" Chop jumped in and swung his fist at one of the guys who staggered to their feet. Chloe, Izzy and me sat stunned in the floor, not quite knowing what to do. One the one hand, this was incredibly hot but on the other I didn't want anyone to get hurt... And I didn't want them fighting over me... At that moment the head teacher came out and screamed our ears off, demanding us to make our way to her room, causing us all to jump. Finn made his way back over to me, his lip burst and a bruise already forming on his cheek and around his eye. He grabbed his jacket and took my hand, helping me to stand and whispering in my ear. "there was no way I was gonna get them hurt ya" and within no time me, Finn, Chloe, Chop and Izzy were sat on one side of the room while Archie and his friends sat on the other. I noticed she was aiming her anger at Chop and Finn, rather then the ones causing the argument and eventually turned it their side of the room. "You boys are free to go." She said flashing them a warm smile. "Just looks like a spot of name calling on your side. You can leave." "I'm sorry, but what the fuck?!" I asked jumping up, voicing what was on everyone's mind. "Excuse me?" The shocked teacher asked in disgust. "A spot of name calling?! You wanna know what they've been saying? Cus I can fucking show ya!" I took a deep breathe before shrugging off my jumper and handing it to Finn who flashed me a supportive smile. Chop, Izzy, Chloe, Archie and the teacher gasped at what was displayed on my now bare arms. The names and words that had been shouted at me, a constant reminder of how worthless I really am engraved into my flesh. The adrenaline and anger coursing through my veins was too much for me to care anymore as I lifted one arm to my face and began to read some of the words scratched there. "Slut, whore, bitch, slag..." I tilted my arm to see the others. "Too dumb to live... Even I'm surprised I could fit that on there." I grinned bitchily at the teacher before turning to Archie. "Hey, Arch, I can't make this one out. What does it say?" I faked, watching the expression on his face change and his eyes widen to the size of basket balls. "I... Uh.." "Go on. Out loud." A tone of pure bitchiness settled over me as I forced Archie to read the words cut ever so deeply into the pink flesh of my arm. "M-magic... Magic fanny..." He read, his voice barely audible but still managed to be heard by everyone in the room. The boys sat with Arch had their heads tilted down, dreading the shouting and the suspensions they were likely to receive shortly. "Magic fanny." I said, turning back to the teacher. "Magic fucking fanny. Creative, isn't it?" The teacher looked between me and the boys and opened her mouth to say something, but I interrupted her. "How fucking original is that?! Well, you know what?! I have cried myself to sleep countless times and I don't even care who knows anymore. I've thought of ending my life loads and actually tried it. Jumped in front of a car. Well, I told Chloe a while ago I'd wished I'd taken the FUCKING pills rather then the car cus that way my death would be guaranteed and I wouldn't be able to hurt anyone anymore. I should have taken the pills." I paused and looked at my friends. Chloe and Izzy's eyes now welled with tears and Chop smiled sympathetically at me. Finn grabbed hand and nodded at me. "You wanna know the only thing that keeps me going?!" I continued. "Do you wanna know what the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning and makes me able to think that I can survive another day?! The only thing that gives me hope?! Cus It isn't this group of guys calling me names! It isn't the school's shittest anti bullying policy. It also isn't the fact that I was betrayed by one of my closest friends ever!" As I said this I glanced at Archie whose eyes had too welled with tears. "It's my friends. My friends keep me going. And Finn. The thought that Finn feels about me the way I feel about him gives me enough hope to get out of bed and go to school. It gives me hope to put up with everyone's shit even though it's piling on top of me and I can barely stand under the weight of it. Because I love him. thats what keeps me going." Finn squeezed my hand and smiled at me with watery eyes. "I love you too." He whispered and I couldn't help the tear that rolled down my cheeks. "I have written," I turned back to the teacher. "I have written 6 suicide notes. For my mum, friends, Finn, the father I never had, everyone I love and I've written and rewritten them and this school doesn't help with anything. Ever. 'Just a spot of name calling' what kind of anti bullying system is that?!" I turned away but paused in my tracks, turning my head back to the teachers whose jaw had dropped open. "And don't worry, I'll make sure to include you in my next suicide note. I'll make sure to mention all the 'help' this school provided." And with that I grabbed my jacket, smiled at my friends and left the room, slamming the door behind me.


	2. Chapter 2

_**He pressed his lips to mine and the softness of his face and his sweet smelling breathe made me melt, plastering a smile on my face.**_

I plonked down into my seat next to Finn at the lunch table and smiled at my friends, dreading the questions they were about to bring up. "Hey guys" I said happily.

"Rae..." Izzy started, worry filling her usually sparkling eyes.

"I'm fine." I lied, not making eye contact with any of them.

"Rae." Finn began, lifting my arm onto his lap and tugging on my sleeve. "Do you mind if I..?"

"No... It's ok." I replied, watching as he tugged my sleeve up to my elbow and exposed my arm. I could feel the eyes of Chloe and Izzy on my arm as Finn pulled out a red sharpie pen and clicked the lid off, holding it in his mouth. He brought the pen to my arm; the moist tip cold against my skin. After a moment he put the pen away and pulled out a blue one and added something else to the pattern on my arm. "Finished." He said as I looked down at the drawing. I gasped. He had drawn a beautiful butterfly on the inside of my wrist with a blank name tag attached to its neck. It was beautiful with red lines and a blue swirl pattern in the middle. "It's a self-harm butterfly," he started. "You basically write the name of someone you love on the tag and then when you cut it dies. You gotta not cut until it fades away." He said quietly, showing his soft side in front of all these people must have been hard for him. I took the black sharpie from Finn's outstretched hand and wrote a name on the tag in small letters. After I was finished I showed it to Finn who smiled and blushed at the small letters that spelled out his name, staining my skin. Chloe hopped over to us with a small hairspray can and proceeded to attack the drawing with it, covering the whole thing in the spray. "Chloe what the hell are you doing?!" I asked, worrying it was going to wash it away.

"Hairspray will keep it for longer, trust me babes." She said to me.

"Right well you better not cut now." Finn said. He pressed his lips to mine and the softness of his face and his sweet smelling breathe made me melt, plastering a smile on my face.


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't know how it happened. I don't know how I managed to throw everything away like I did, but i did. And now I had to suffer the consequences.**

Me and Finn had broken up exactly a month a go to this date and no matter how much I tried talking to him, he still wouldn't even look at me. Archie's apologies and balloons had eventually gotten through to me and I couldn't stay mad at him anymore and now we were closer then ever. However I still couldn't open up to him about how I felt about Finn. To be honest, I didn't really know how I felt about Finn.

There was no chance of me opening up to the others, either, because I felt as if I had been growing away from all of them... Which brought me to where I was now. I stood at the head of the table in the small but crowded bar where we usually hung out. The group fell silent and their gazes on me as I took a deep breath. "Guys I uh... My mum wants to move... And I've decided to go with her..." Finn's head snapped up but he remained silent.

"You what?!" Chop said.

"Where would you be moving?" Archie asked and everyone looked at me once more.

"London" I said quietly. There was silence among the group. No one knew what to say and everyone was surprised to hear Finn speak up. "When will ya be movin'?"

"A month."

"A month?!" Chloe and Izzy echoed. "But you're 16, 17 in two months. You can move out." Izzy said.

"Yeah, you can move in with me!" Chloe said

"Or me." Archie said.

"Guys it's not that I don't have anywhere to go... It's just that I want to move.."

"Why?" Chop asked. I said nothing and tried my hardest not to look at Finn as I felt a lump form in my throat. I tried my hardest but couldn't help my eyes darting to his quickly. I think everyone must have seen and understood as when I said, "I just think it's the best thing to do right now." No one asked any more questions.

"So 1 month?" Finn asked after another few minutes of silence and I nodded in agreement. "We better make it a bloody good month, then."

And we did.

Throughout the next month we hung out practically every day. The gang came over and helped me with packing which eventually turned into 6 people digging through mountains of crap and laughing at the childish things we found. Every single day was amazing and me and Finn very nearly had a few moments, but the end of the month came much faster then I ever wanted and before I knew it, mum was waiting in the car while I attempted to keep it together for the goodbyes. I hugged each of them and told them how much I loved them. Chloe, Izzy and I were close to tears as I loaded my bags in the car and turned back. I smiled at them all and reached for the car door handle, but a voice stopped me. "Wait." He said and I turned around to see Finn stood in front of me.

"What?" I asked, a confused look on my face as he tumbled over his words.

"Don't-don't go." He said, fiddling with his hands.

"Finn... I have to."

"No. No you don't. You can stay here... With-"

"With?"

"With... Me."

"Finn..."

"I love you. And I've never really known how to say it... Please don't go." My eyes welled with tears as he wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my neck. Over his shoulder I could see Archie with his arm around Chloe who had begun crying and Izzy stood in front of Chop while he held her hands and rested his chin. She had started crying too. Finn pulled back from me and looked right at me. I watched as a tear escaped his eye and rolled it's way down his cheek. "Don't go... Please." He begged. I shook my head and backed up a few steps as tears streamed down my face. "Finn don't do this..."

"Rae..."

"Not now.."

"Stay with me, Rae, please.."

"No, Finn. I can't do this now. I have- I have to go."

"But-"

"I'm sorry" I regretfully fell into the backseat of the car and slammed the door shut. Mum and Karim knew better then to ask me questions as I buried my face in my pillow and sobbed into it loudly.


End file.
